You can't plan life!

My struggle

2010-05-24T04:17:00.000-05:00

As I sit at work and talk with my co-workers about this bubble we live in I wonder. I wonder, what am I doing? I wonder, how I can live my life the way that I am? I wonder, what should I be doing?
I don't think that I was meant to live the American dream. I don't want to be rich and get more things. I just want to love and be loved. I dream of a simpler life, one filled with joyfulness, and most of all love.
I am tired of trying to keep up and dream of a day that I can stop. I am scared that day will never come or when it does it will be to late. I am worried that my children will have grown up without their parents being present and without realizing how much I love them. I say I am doing this for them but what do they really need? Probably just more of me.
I made some bad decisions financially. I thought I had finally stopped, and started to try and regain control, but I realize that I have been lying to myself. I keep saying I am going to change but I get caught up in trying to keep up with others. I feel alone in this struggle......

Back to School!

2010-04-08T13:29:00.001-05:00

On Monday I started school again. I had taken a quarter off and now I am back to the grind. I am taking 3 classes online and have to go to campus for one, once a week. My class on campus is Massage techniques and I love it. Not only am I getting all the hands on by doing massage, I also am receiving massages!! Yippee!! I love knowing that once a week I am going to get out of the house and do something I enjoy. I sometimes feel guilty that I am leaving the kids once again-since I also work almost full time- but mostly I can't wait for Monday to come around! I really enjoy learning new things and hope I will be a life-long learner.

Weight Watchers

2010-03-27T19:03:00.000-05:00

I joined Weight Watchers about 3 weeks ago and it is changing my life. I love it. I finally admitted to myself that my weight was making me unhappy in many ways. I have tried to lose before and have had success for a little while. Then I get bored or sick of eating the same food all the time and quit. With WW I can eat almost anything as long as I keep track of it. I have stopped feeling quilty about having a snack and just move on. I am down 8lbs and my clothes are feeling loose! The greatest change is in my attitude- I love getting a workout in and have more energy all day long! My ultimate weight goal is 65 lbs and I am hoping to be able to do that before the end of this year. My real goal is to be able to run and play with my kids and not get tired out.

Lydia is 7!

2010-03-06T18:31:00.001-06:00

I still remember finding out that I was going to be a mom and letting Jamie know that he was going to be a dad! I loved being pregnant even with the high blood pressure and all. She wasn't due until the end of the month but because of the high blood pressure I was on bedrest and the Dr decided to induce early. After a couple of failed attempts at induction it was decided that I would need a c-section. Lydia arrived and was just a tiny little thing! Our hearts were filled with love for her and it has been so exciting to watch her grow! Seven years have passed and she continues to amaze me everyday.

Breaking my heart!

2010-02-22T15:29:00.000-06:00

Today as I was leaving for work Henrik came to me for his usual hug. (He has to give a hug before I leave- a kiss isn't good enough.) I wasn't quite ready to leave so I finished gathering up my things and headed toward the door. As the door opened he came running for another hug, but then he wouldn't let go. Of course I am in a hurry so I tell him to let go and then I look down at him and my heart broke. He is looking at me with tears in his eyes and lip quivering. Then he says "Mama don't go to work!" I was ready to quit then and there! Of course I know that this isn't possible but it makes me question on what I am doing.

Changes

2010-02-06T20:02:00.000-06:00

Life is on an upward swing. I am feeling that it is time for changes. I just need to get going and actually make the changes. Hopefully this will help me get motivated. If I say it out loud then I can be held responsible for my thoughts. Here I go!!!